On relationships:
“There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.“
– Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
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When I was in my early 20’s, a friend who read palms read mine and told me that I would have a lot of boyfriends first before eventually settling down with just one person. When I heard that, I became excited and ecstatic because having a lot of boyfriends meant being able to taste (!!!) more than just a few men. The idea of being a playgirl was extremely appealing to me. But honestly, now that the prediction seems to be coming true, all I can do is sigh. I don’t want to have a string of boyfriends; I don’t want a collection. Because honeys, no matter how sexy a collection of men might be, it is just a waste of time and energy. At the end of the day, what the inner self actually longs for is something real and meaningful. Meaningless affairs just don’t cut it anymore once one realizes what is important in life.
It would be so easy and simple if I could just dispose of anybody as if I never cared about them, as if they never really existed for me. But what my most recent relationship (which ended, unfortunately, first week of Jan) has taught me and made me realize is that I am not wired that way. I cannot just walk away and pretend that what was once a part of my life was never a part of my life. I am not wired that way. It’s not that I’m devastated by the breakup. No, I am not broken. (One thing relationships have helped me figure out is how resilient I actually am.) I am not even really brokenhearted. But I am sad. I am. And I feel this way because when my relationship ended, I had to, in a manner of speaking, let something important to me die.
It’s not that I’m turning my back on the prospect of a new relationship. On the contrary, I know I will find someone new again. I also know that I will still be willing to share a part of me with that person and let him in, no matter what the risks and no matter what the consequences. Right now, though, I feel tired. Maybe that’s why I recently found myself reconnecting with someone from my past. I started longing for and missing the familiar. Right now, I want to be with people who, more or less, know me. I want to be with people I don’t have to wear a mask in front of. I don’t want to be with strangers at this time. I am, at present, not in the mood to be in the getting-to-know stage with someone. I know I will be ready for that soon enough. For now, I think I have to rest.
The greatest lesson I have learned from my relationships (all of them) is how important my relationship with myself is. I am able to identify the qualities in me that make me strong. They are, in a manner of speaking, the essence of me. I also know now what are the mistakes I have been making in dealing with people who matter to me. (My recent breakup brought those mistakes to light.) Now my goal is to continue building a strong relationship with myself. I realize that is the only way I can give the best of me.
On the December, 2008 issue of Vogue, Jennifer Aniston described her relationship with John Meyer as “a hayride and a half”. Allow me to use that phrase in describing my life. My life, it seems, consists of one hayride and a half after another. Though the rides sometimes become painful and exhausting, they are exhilarating, and they make me feel alive.
Do not for a second think that my life is a sad one. Yes, I am sad right now. But I actually live a happy life. And I am full of hope, in spite of the hurtful experience I have had to go through in the past month. I feel that something wonderful is just waiting for me around the corner.
Crosses & Redirects